LIFE LASTS A LIFETIME - ON AN INTRODUCTION VISIT to the child's home
(methods for dealing with grief in children)
Send in advance :
1. Information about grief counseling and bereavement processing for children
between the ages of 4 - 12 (see
below)
2. The work plan for bereavement for children aged 4 - 12
years (see below)
3. The intake form with the grief symptoms (see below)
Bring with you:
1. Questionnaire for parents (see below)
2. Mormel the cheeky crow, Cathy Caterpillar who knows everything about changes, she later becomes a butterfly,
Longear the rabbit (hand puppet, which can be turned inside out to search for
his feelings) and the wise gnome (finger puppet) who has an answer to everything. Just
put it on your finger and listen to what he says (inner child)
3. Bear with bear power comes to visit
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Your child will receive a teddy bear during the intake interview to help
him/her remember that people are just as strong on the inside as a bear, BEAR
POWER, but that - due to the sadness in a difficult period - they do not think
about it for a while.
Ring the bell with Mormel the hand puppet. And
talking on behalf of this bird......
Mormel:
"Does a boy/girl live here whose .............. has died?
I brought a lady along to talk to ........ about
the loss of her mother/father/brother/sister...... Can we come in for a moment?"
The child is presented with a bear to remind
her/him that she/he has just as much (inner) strength as the bear. Due to the
sadness, the child cannot always access this strength, but the bear will help
her/him with this.
Or
Ask if he/she also has a stuffed animal. He/she
can comfort him/her while talking about difficult moments.
"I feel very sorry for you that your
father/mother/brother/sister died while you are still so young.
My own father and mother both died, but I was
already a lot older then. And it also caused me a lot of pain and
sadness." ………………………………..
"Many children and adults find it difficult
to talk about unpleasant things. It can happen that you have to cry for a
while, or that you can't continue talking for a while. It is of course good
that you stop for a moment and choose for yourself again when to go on.
Sometimes we talk and sometimes we do something
together, such as hanging the worries in the worry tree or crafting something."
Use Mormel's beep in his beak if something is
wrong in the story, or if they want to add to it. They can also indicate that
they want to continue on their own.
Sometimes tell something about your own losses.
This can help to provide more security and confidence to tell that strange lady/gentleman something.
If there are multiple children in one family,
ask each child to tell their own story about how and what happened. Who did you
hear it from? Because everyone experiences this in their own way.
In the meantime, the children are welcome to
draw or cuddle their stuffed animal. Or play with Mormel.
Go through the questionnaire for parents and the grief symptoms together.
ASK TO BRING
A PHOTO OF THE DECEASED AND YOU CAN ALSO BRING A STUFFED ANIMAL! Because we
light a candle for the deceased with the photo.
A report is made of each meeting and, if
necessary, we discuss what stood out by telephone.
In the therapy play room : you can display a rug with various
objects such as: a shell, statue of Mary, the mother of all mothers, Buddha
with backpack, heavenly telephone, a mobile phone with in the telephone book:
Heaven; wise gnome; beautiful stones (rock crystal and pink quartz are very
popular), Mormel the crow, Long-ear the rabbit; a photo of your own mother or
father (you are not the only one who loses someone), rhinus caterpillar, worry
doll (World Shop), memory box: (a decorated shoe box), tear jar (with different
types of small (colored) glass stones as tears); a talking stick (in groups,
the person with the talking stick in his hand can talk and everyone else must
listen), worry tree, in which all worries can be hung, a white rose (symbol of
universal love).
Information about grief counseling and bereavement processing for children between the ages of 4 and 12
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Problems that may arise
Life is experienced as a mess for children after
the death of a father or mother, brother or sister. It then helps to just let
everything be what it is. Nothing is crazy or weird. This is their way of
responding. They do not have the insights and mature feelings that adults
possess.
Children often postpone grieving until they feel
that they are physically and mentally safe. When things at home are running
normally again and there is peace.
Children grieve in pieces. Because they cannot
yet tolerate the full intensity of the pain. They are also unable to do it for
long periods of time. For adults, processing involves talking about it.
Children communicate through play.
Children can go into regression. That is, they
go back to a period when it was still safe, in order to regain control of the
newly created situation. This can manifest itself in bedwetting or thumb
sucking again, or clinging to the remaining parent for fear of losing her/him too.
They also do not want to be special or different
from others. As a result, often they do not express their feelings for fear of
rejection. Furthermore, children want to spare their parent(s) grief and thus
keep themselves great. There may then be a need to talk to someone who stands further
away from it, or who has nothing to do with it, such as a teacher, a good
neighbor or a psycho-social worker or grief counselor.
Children between the ages of 5 to about 12
years old can develop a school phobia. The child then no longer dares to go to
school, because she/he is afraid of losing someone again, or of leaving the parent
behind at home alone. Furthermore, they may regularly show irritability, have crying
fits, and behavioral problems.
Other problems that may arise: poor concentration, forgetfulness, poor sleep, nightmares, unpleasant
thoughts, wanting to die, stomach ache, headache, not wanting or being able to
eat, fear of separation, shutting down, no longer playing, talking, tantrums,
isolating oneself.
Or bullying their brother/sister, shouting, being
a clown in class. These problems can occur long after a family member has died,
so the connection to this fact is not immediately made.
Three questions children often have:
1. Is it my fault? Could I do something about it? No thought
can cause death.
2. Is it contagious? I'll die from it too. I could also have an
accident. Have a hereditary condition checked by your GP. If the child still
has questions, go to the doctor together for an explanation. So that the
child knows that her
concerns are taken seriously.
3. Who will take care of me now? Family members are often involved in their grieving process themselves, so that the parent and brothers/sisters are less
available to the most sensitive child. Explain who she/he can contact in case of
emergency.
Avoidance or suppression prolongs the grieving
process
It is important to acknowledge all feelings.
There are no wrong or bad feelings. Being jealous is also just human. Feelings
only become scary when we pretend they aren't there, when we keep them secret.
Sadness and pain are part of life. Mourning is
not a disease, but a natural response to loss. It is a job for adults to teach their children how to live life. You realize that you are also vulnerable and are
then addressed about your own insecurities. With all your love you cannot
protect children around you from sadness and pain. But we can share pain.
Sadness can be a natural part of life. But it does not immediately take away
safety. We must give children the confidence that tears will be dried, not
forever, but always again.
On this blog I offer you a number of options to
make your children cheerful and happy again. Children are flexible. However, if
signals persist for a longer period of time, and you have done everything you
can, go to someone who specializes in grief and loss processing. To overcome
hurt feelings and bad thoughts, and prevent further problems. The National Mourning Foundation (LSR) indicates on its website who is
involved in this per province. Every country will have its own specialist help
for mourning and loss; try to find it on the internet or ask your doctor.
Signs to call for help if for a longer period of time:
1. your child looks sad
2. your child cannot simply relax
3. your child pays less attention to appearance and clothing
4. your child wants to be alone more and more
5. your child has difficulty sleeping or falling asleep
6. your child does not want to go to school
7. your child has no interest in hobbies
8. your child wants to die to be with the deceased
Healing ritual
What you can do immediately as a parent /
caregiver is light a candle next to a photo of your deceased loved one. It
gives a feeling that the departed dear one is in your heart and will not be
forgotte, ever.
PS: It is
always important to eat and drink well, especially during a period of mourning,
I advise you to pay extra attention. A grieving process with all the emotions
and worries takes away a lot of energy. Lots of fresh fruit and vegetables in
particular provide extra energy! If you have little appetite, consider taking a
vitamin pill.
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Discussing grief symptoms together
INTAKELIST GRIEF SYMPTOMS
To be completed by parents/guardians
Please indicate on the list below those feelings and symptoms that you have
observed in your child since the loss?
Emotional :
0 Disbelief / numb 0 Shows
no feelings
0 Confusion /panic 0 Physical
pain
0 Fear
0 Guilt
0 Sad 0 Acceptance
0 Angry 0 Wants to be small(er) again
0 Feeling of not having control
0 Feeling of having to take care of others
0 Feels guilty when he/she has fun
Physical :
0 Tired / lack of energy
0 Sleep problems
0 Wants to sleep
more 0 Lack
of appetite
0 Short of
breath 0 Constantly
wanting to eat
0 Feeling of stressed throat 0 Nervousness
0 Screaming 0 Stomachache
0 Eczema / rash /
itching 0 Hyperactive/restless
0 Can't
concentrate 0 Headache
0 Bedwetting
Behaviour :
0 Needs parent(s)
more 0 Wants
to sleep with parent(s).
0 Does not want to be separated from parent
0 Does
not want to go to school
0 Argues with parent(s)
/ others 0 Feels sick more often
0 Is cruel to animals
0 Breaks things
0 Needs help with tasks he/she can usually do
independently
0 Does not play with other children
0 Withdraws
0 Talks about wanting to die yourself
Additional information:
………………………………………………………………………………………………………
………………………………………………………………………………………………………
………………………………………………………………………………………………………
………………………………………………………………………………………………………
Date: ………………………………………..
Explanation
WORK PLAN GRIEF PROCESSING FOR CHILDREN AGED 4 – 12 YEARS
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Introduction
When children go through a difficult period in
their lives and their difficult feelings are recognized by the adults in their
immediate environment, this in itself provides them with relief. This
makes them aware that love is available in a larger circle, than just within
the family.
But what they can do for the rest of their lives
is if we provide them with tools with which they can empower themselves. This
allows them to face their life tasks with self-confidence.
Before you is a work plan suitable for working
with children who have experienced loss through death.
What is printed in italics is information for
yourself, which is not spoken. I have printed in bold the questions that should
be asked.
It is recommended that you read the theme day to
be discussed carefully in advance. Choose what you want to discuss on that day
and what suits you as a care provider.
The work plan consists of six parts, which can
be worked out in six different days. Because there is a logical sequence, it is
advisable to start at day 1 and continue working that way.
A weekly meeting for the first three weeks, then
a biweekly meeting, so that a child has time to calmly sort everything out and
you as a care provider have time for a little longer to empower the child.
A supporting craft is made every day. With the
attention offered, we give the children the confidence that tears will be
dried, not forever, but always again.
Day 1: Getting clear about what actually happened
Purpose: To accept the death of a parent or brother or
sister. Things at home will never be the same as before. And also recognizing
the chaos that arises in the child's head and the wave of unpleasant emotions
that it brings.
Talking about the tragic event brings order to
children's confusing thoughts. It's relieving to be able to talk openly about
difficult thoughts and feelings, actions. We hang the worries on the worry tree. Behind
every concern there is always a wish. The children can then express these
wishes as many as they have.
Day 2: Making feelings visible and looking at feelings
Purpose: Recognizing difficult feelings associated
with a death.
Feelings are just there. Feelings have a
function and tell us pay attention, something has happened to me that I need to
look into.
Children often do not yet have words for
feelings. By making feelings such as sadness, anger, fear and pain visible and
sharing them with each other, they can be processed better.
The children make an emotional mask and this
gives them the insight that on the inside, with all your feelings, you look
very different from what you see on the outside.
Day 3: Experiencing feelings - How do you feel?
Purpose: By looking at the unpleasant feelings and
working through them, they can be released, healing the child again.
It is wonderful for children to throw as hard as
they can, while shouting why they are so angry.
A dream/bad thought catcher can be made to
reduce anxiety.
And instructions for personal use that can be hung in the
house, so that everyone knows what your child needs when he or she is sad, for
example.
Day 4: Adjusting to an environment without the
deceased
Purpose: The loss is a fact and has a place
in a child's life.
Bad feelings
and good feelings belong together. Sometimes you are sad for a bit, and then
you are happy and cheerful for one or two parts. Memories are your treasures to
keep forever.
We create a “treasure chest” where we put all
our different memories.
A stone with the most beautiful thought of the
one who is no longer alive is part of this. If you grab that stone and think
about ......, then you will be a little closer together again.
Day 5: Gain new friendships
Purpose: The future is explored. The child can
continue living with new life force.
Life goes
on ... Mom or Dad may find a new partner or break up because they cannot cope
well with the loss of a child.
The child will get new friends again.
The visualization of a golden sun can give you
the light and warmth you need every now and then in gloomy times.
Day 6: is a return day
Purpose: Approximately six months after day 5, the finishing
dots will be connected once again. An inner journey, linked to a bit of
forgiveness, can bring additional healing.
Between the
meetings, the caregiver will discuss what was noticed during the 'craft
afternoon'.
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REVIEW THE QUESTIONNAIRE TOGETHER
Questions for the parent(s) to gain better insight into the grieving
process (if
applicable)
1. What kind of child is …………………………………? What are her/his complaints?
2. What caused the death of your ……………… ?
3. On what day did your ………………… die?
4. For how long was he/she ill?
5. Who looked after your child(ren) during:
a. the death
b. the funeral
c. recent times
6. Was ……………………… involved in saying goodbye after the death of your
………………………?
b. was he/she involved in the
funeral/cremation ceremony?
7. Where are you in your grieving process?
a. Have you picked up the thread
of life again?
b. Can you work again?
c. How often do you think about
your deceased husband/wife/child?
d. Are you open to a new
relationship?
possibly
8a. Is there a grandmother or aunt or a friend or school teacher
who can take over some female guidance (staying over or going there for a day)?
or
8b. Is there a grandfather or
uncle or friend or schoolteacher who can take over some of the male guidance
(staying over or going there for a day)?
possibly
9. Is your husband/wife's mother and/or father still alive?
It would be nice if they could
tell your children who their mother/father was.
Being able to bring back
memories with a photo album.
possibly
10a. Is there a memento of his/her mother, brother/sister,
grandfather/grandmother, for example a scent, a scarf, a watch, bracelet or
necklace, make-up items, toys, that …………………… can have?
or
possibly
10b. Is there a
memento of her/his father, for example aftershave, a tie, a watch, a passport
that ....... is allowed.
11. What have you done already to cope with loss/support
the children? (booklets from the library?)
a. Is there a photo in the living room?
b. Have you ever lit a candle to remember the
deceased?
c. What do you do on your husband/wife/child's
birthday to remember him/her?
d. What do you do on Father's Day/Mother's Day -
bring back nice memories
e. What do you do on the day that your
husband/wife/child died?
f. Were there special rituals with certain
holidays that you could keep doing in memory of your husband/wife/child
g. Have you read books about death with the
children, for example through the library?
12. Does faith play a role in your family? Where
do you think your deceased ………… is. Where do the children think your …………………
is?
13. If ……. can die... then mom/dad or me... or
my brother/sister can die too!
Have you discussed with the children that
everyone is going to die? That when we are born, we also die. That that is
part of life.
If ………… is worried about mom/dad getting sick or
dying, discuss where the children can go. But that this is not likely to happen.
14. Has ………. physical complaints? Does he/she
eat well (eat fish!), does he/she sleep well? What does he/she do for exercise?
Is he/she healthy, is he/she taking medication?
15. How is your children's behavior? Are they
ever aggressive or angry for no reason? Or do they cry over the slightest
thing. Feelings come and go, when children are not feeling well, they may ask
for negative attention, argue, or break something.
16. I think it is important that your other
child(ren)...... is also involved in the coping process. Prevention is better
than cure. Would you like to think about whether he/she can come along? They
can then talk about it together and come out stronger together.
Boys in particular often have to be brave and
are not allowed to cry, but they also have feelings, just like girls.
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Inquire if there are any questions and agree on a date to start grief counseling.
